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Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I don't really know what my life has been going on recently. I think God want me to be tougher because I'm really susceptible on temptation.

Two men, absolutely different way and habit. They were getting closer to me about these weeks. We've texted, we've phoned, but I feel just, "Hei!!! This is not me, really not me. Not as usual as I am."

First guy is so silly and coltish, the second seemed like a mature man (immature, I have known him 'now' now). Actually, I have let my heart layed on to the first guy. But, our relationship is just kinda abnormal. I know, he has a gf, but he said that he hearts me. Idk, he told the truth or bullshit, and I agreed to make a deeper our relationship by texting and phoning. I was enjoying with him because he was entertaining and caring.
Then the second guy entered my life throughly. He is a top, leader, smart (mean, I have known him 'now' now), and until we watched a movie, he tried to reach and hold my hand. It was &%&$%#%#. I really don't like this guy who acted like a pervert. YES, I think, HE IS A PERVERT! At that time, I wanna curse my self because I felt that I was like a tramp, I was scared. Poor me, I couldn't save mine. But, I am relieved now, THANKS GODNESS, it was just my hand.

Now, I realize that I shouldn't have any relationship during I study. It's just bothering me, make me sick.

Ok, I think it's enough now. I really really thank to my God, Allah, for saving me. God, please don't let me go from your embrace. I hope they both get better life and better relation without me.

Thanks for reading, bye now.

takut

ketakutan itu tak akan bisa hilang walau kamu berada di tempat yang aman, disinari banyak lampu, ditemani banyak kawan, dan diselimuti pelukan hangat.
kamu tidak akan mampu membuang rasa takut, karena takut itu sendiri berada dan tumbuh dari dasar hati kamu.

saya sering merasa takut akan suatu hal, dan memang tidak bisa dipungkiri lagi, itu pasti akan terjadi. tapi saya berharap dan memohon agar semuanya diberikan jalan yang terbaik bagi semuanya.

padahal kehidupan saya biasa-biasa aja. ga special, ga menarik, dan statis. but we always have a big problem!

anak kecil aja punya masalah, punya rasa takut, punya rasa menyesal, punya rasa bersedih, dan yang terpenting punya rasa keinginan.
saat ini yang saya punya cuma masalah, takut, dan sedih. then where do regret and curiosity hide?

maybe, my way has changed aim. should i go back to my previous way? or should i go on with this new one?
idk which is the best for me.

i wish God gave me what it's good for me and other.